Antiques and Ancient...Statues...

I twisted my ankle the other day, so my activity level lately has been on the sedentary side. Finally I drugged myself up enough to go for a walk around our neighborhood--a place we've neglected to explore much beyond the grocery store. We live on a major tourist attraction called Hollywood Road, also known as antiques street, and needless to say, it was there that we explored antiques. The first shop we walked into had amazing vases. "You could put a whole kid in there," said Logan. "You could fit a Chinese woman in there." I replied. I preferred NOT knowing whether or not there actually were people in these enormous painted vases, so I moved on to the antique china, a likely souvenir in China.

It was then that the shopkeeper, a withered Chinese man with a hunchback, came to greet us. He pointed toward an ugly bust of a fat man. "Mao," he said with pride. "Ohhh...neat," we replied. I turned my attention back to the teacups when the man's shaky finger was raised once more "Revolution," he whispered while indicating a row of angry looking statues. "They look so...revolutionary." we replied.

Trying to avoid a broken English discussion about communism, I pretended to be extremely curious about a small silk box with an ivory clasp. The man took it, and with some ceremony opened its lid. Wads of dusty tissue paper covered its contents, so the man worked meticulously to remove them. The process took about 3 whole minutes, and as he worked, and as more of the object was revealed, I couldn't help but think of how phallic it was in shape. I quickly told myself to get my mind out of the gutter, but when Logan cocked (snigger) his head to the side and lifted his eyebrows, I thought maybe I wasn't such a sicko. When at once the object was unveiled, there was really no doubt. It was a penis. The man smiled and said "Porcelain." It was, apparently, a porcelain penis.

I want to press upon you that this is no exaggeration, nothing my depraved imagination divined. It was, in all its four inch glory, an ancient porcelain penis complete with head and urethra. Fearing it was cursed with an ancient fertility spell, we left the shop shortly thereafter.