No matter your age or what stage you are in life, people love to ask annoying questions. Here are a sample of my favorite forbidden questions from recent memory:
What are you going to do with that degree?
"Oh...you know what? I've NEVER thought about it before!" The answer, "more school" is rarely satisfactory. Neither is "being a scholar." It's probably worst for Mormon men, who, from a young age are taught to be "provide" so that their kids can drive a BMW. Fortunately, in today's market, the same question can be asked of JDs and MBAs.
How did you do on the LSAT?
Would it matter if I told you? Would you know a 180 from a 152? Listen, if I go to Stanford, you can assume it's good. If I end up at Willamette, just assume it's bad unless I make up something about a scholarship.
Have you found a job yet?
To the unemployed this is the worst--WORST question. Unless you're about to follow that question with, "...because I want to hire you to be an ice cream flavor inventor at my factory," DON'T ASK IT. Because here is what they'll want to say: "No, no I don't have a job. Thank you for reminding me about this painful subject. If I had a job, I would be wearing a smile and have purchased myself a haircut." Trust me. If your unemployed friend finds a job--they'll let you know.
How was your mission?
My friends who get this one just love to summarize the last 18-24 heart wrenching, gut churning, spiritually uplifting, physically draining months in a quick passing quip. "Great!" they might respond, but only because the positive attitude required of missionaries has seeped into their post mission life. If they weren't such Mollys they would think you're obnoxious for asking.
How's married life?
What the inquirer means is, "How's the sex?" Which, come to think of it, I would almost prefer answering. But "How's married life????" There's no way to answer that. And it doesn't help that it's asked no less than 50 times within the first year of marriage. By the 38th time you're forced to answer this boring question, you're responding "Meh" and people begin to worry that you're headed for an annulment because the sex is THAT bad.
When are you going to have a baby?
This gentle, half-joking question is never, ever, ever cute. First of all, it's none of your damn business. Second of all, no matter how harmless you intend it to be, the answer is never simple. At best, the interrogated does not yet feel the need to reproduce. At worst you're painfully picking at someone who just had a miscarriage or is infertile about their failing as a human being. No matter, the interrogated still feels the need to respond. Fortunately there's a great number of solutions for deflecting this question with style--if you can keep a straight face when you say them. My absolute favorite is "No children for us, we're saving up for a boat."
(To a pregnant woman) Have you been sick?
No, I'm not pregnant. But pretty much everyone I know is, and I can tell you--they don't love this one. Think about it--you're asking a person predisposed to nausea to recall their vomitorious moments. It's a bad idea.
Please share your least favorite question. It will be fun.
10 comments:
Are you guys ever home?
Emily and I get this one a lot. Yes, I realize that being childless at 29 and 30, respectively, blows the minds of many of our LDS peers... but, that's the reality of our 3.5-year-old married life. We're making the best of the circumstances we've been presented at this time. So, when my lovely wife, who is in her 4th year of a years-long masters/doctoral clinical psych program, has a break, we love to travel because we can.
I'm sorry if you're 23, have five kids and can barely afford to feed them and pay your electricity bill... but that's the life you chose. Birth control is cheap and I'm guessing no one held a shotgun to your head and made you get hitched at 18 because "when you know, you know," real-life adult experiences and maturity be damned.
So, quit complaining that you'd "love to go on a real vacation" but you can't because your kids are in school, your husband/wife is working 50 hours a week and going to night school to get his/her associate's degree while you manage an apartment complex owned by some affluent couple in your stake so you don't have to pay rent. I'll send you a postcard from Hawaii. :)
Emily said her favorite response to the "When are you going to have a baby" question is: "I haven't gotten pregnant yet because you haven't prayed enough for me yet. Perhaps you should get to fasting."
You hit the nail on the head for most of my least favorites. However, there is one genre of question that I really despise. A lot of people know that I am working on a PhD in history, but they seem to think that this means I know everything that ever happened to anyone throughout all time, and then seem sneeringly disappointed when I can't answer a question wikipedia could. Yes folks, historians specialize. That means if you ask me a question about Europe in the last 300 years there is a decent chance I have a better answer than most people would. But if you ask me about something that happened 2500 years ago, I'm not necessarily any more qualified than anyone else, except that I actually pay attention in history classes. I had this in Sunday School last week. Right after I explained that I studied modern France, someone asked me if when I said Artaxerxes, didn't I mean Xerxes who fought the Spartans? I said no, I didn't they were different people and there were three Artaxerxes, but I couldn't tell you a lot more than that. REMEMBER HOW I STUDY EVENTS THAT HAPPEN THOUSANDS OF MILES FROM PERSIA THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER?! COME ON PEOPLE!!! I'm not an idiot and my education isn't useless just because I can't satisfy your curiosity, but don't you think its more than a little ridiculous to assume that anyone has mastered every geographical region and time period since the dawn of human existence?
Josh, I also hate the questions about what we do with our money as childless professionals. I also hate comments about our debt -- just think how great you'll feel when you're out under the burden of student and consumer debt! Umm what makes you think we're in debt? I mean now we have a mortgage, but we know better than to live on credit cards and we both worked really hard and were able to avoid student debt through a happy set of circumstances. Just because we go on vacation and have nice things doesn't mean we're living on credit.
Another great one is usually phrased in some form of, "So, are you ready to be a mom?" or the simple, "So, are you ready?" --usually asked in the last few days of pregnancy.
What. the. heck. Am I going to say, "EH, no, actually I think I've changed my mind about this whole thing."? I usually just smiled and said, "I sure hope so." and gave a courtesy laugh. Lame.
My least favorite questions:
When WILL you be done with school?
Seriously? Well, let's do the math... I have a 36-year old son; that must mean I'm at LEAST, let's say... 54. Splendid. You've determined I'm OLD enough to make having a worthy goal in my life quite insane. I mean, I certainly won't live THAT long, will I? And yes, the nearly full-time work I do to pay for that schooling and/or the volunteer work I do in order to qualify for those future educational programs means I cannot possibly go to school full-time, so a simple, 2-year AA degree has taken me, oh, roughly 6 years. Yes, I'm painfully aware that as we speak, the sands are flowing rapidly into the bottom half of that hour glass, and by the time we finish this explanation, I'll be nearly dead from old age. So thanks for asking. Yep, with any amount of luck, by the time I'm clutching my PA degree in my withered, gnarled hand I'll be at LEAST 65 or so... which means, I could either be 65 and have a valuable degree or be flipping burgers at McDonald's to supplement my Social Security check (IF they still have those then!). So, the answer to the original question is "NEVER", and try to wipe that insipid, incredulous look off your face that tells me I'm a flippin' idiot. I already know that.
So how are YOU GUYS doing now?
This is the same probing (pardon the pun) question as "How's Married Life?" is for the newlyweds. They want to know how we are doing NOW, 10 1/2 years later. Is the blush still on the rose? Trust me, by the time I finish answering this question thoroughly, the blush will be on your face, and you'll either be very amazed, very impressed, or thinking "Eewwww...." that two old farts are still enjoying getting it on that much. Or that often. Trust me, you REALLY don't want to know.
So do YOU have any grandkids yet?
Huh? Seriously? As if I wouldn't consider my stepgrandkids to be my own? Should children only count if there's a direct DNA link?
So don't "So and So" have any kids YET?
Trust me, if they did, you'd know. But thanks for reminding me that the only realistic source for not-out-of-wedlock, biological grandchildren are still sorrowfully infertile, and/or are saving up for a boat.
And, even though I may not give the well-thought-out snarky answers to all people, it has been cathartic to write my complete thoughts out.
My least favorite questions:
When WILL you be done with school?
Seriously? Well, let's do the math... I have a 36-year old son; that must mean I'm at LEAST, let's say... 54. Splendid. You've determined I'm OLD enough to make having a worthy goal in my life quite insane. I mean, I certainly won't live THAT long, will I? And yes, the nearly full-time work I do to pay for that schooling and/or the volunteer work I do in order to qualify for those future educational programs means I cannot possibly go to school full-time, so a simple, 2-year AA degree has taken me, oh, roughly 6 years. Yes, I'm painfully aware that as we speak, the sands are flowing rapidly into the bottom half of that hour glass, and by the time we finish this explanation, I'll be nearly dead from old age. So thanks for asking. Yep, with any amount of luck, by the time I'm clutching my PA degree in my withered, gnarled hand I'll be at LEAST 65 or so... which means, I could either be 65 and have a valuable degree or be flipping burgers at McDonald's to supplement my Social Security check (IF they still have those then!). So, the answer to the original question is "NEVER", and try to wipe that insipid, incredulous look off your face that tells me I'm a flippin' idiot. I already know that.
So how are YOU GUYS doing now?
This is the same probing (pardon the pun) question as "How's Married Life?" is for the newlyweds. They want to know how we are doing NOW, 10 1/2 years later. Is the blush still on the rose? Trust me, by the time I finish answering this question thoroughly, the blush will be on your face, and you'll either be very amazed, very impressed, or thinking "Eewwww...." that two old farts are still enjoying getting it on that much. Or that often. Trust me, you REALLY don't want to know.
So don't "So and So" have any kids YET?
Trust me, if they did, you'd know. But thanks for reminding me that the only realistic source for not-out-of-wedlock, biological grandchildren are still sorrowfully infertile, and/or are saving up for a boat.
You hit most of the highlights of impudent, impolite questions most of which I've heard.
"Are you working?" is awkward, as it's basically the same question as, "Have you found a job yet?" I've heard this question no less than three times in the last twenty-four hours.
I've gotten the question, "So who's your doctor?" when people find out I'm pregnant. When I say I'm using a midwife, I get a range of reactions, and keep hearing "Oh. Well, I knew I wanted to use a DOCTOR." Uhhh. Right-e-o. Your baby, your choice. Our baby, our choice.
I heard "So how's married life?" approximately 2,000 times my first year of marriage. But we've talked about this before. What am I supposed to say? "I hate being married. That's why I choice to hitch my wagon to this guy whom I must loathe since I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Oh, and sex? I hate sex. Sex is awful. Thanks for asking." Yeah.
Nate and I hear, "So are you two going to open your own law firm?"surprisingly often. I think some people think this question is hilarious, and some others assume that because we've both gone to law school that we must want to do EVERYTHING together. We might open our own law firm, but we would need to have separate clients and likely different practice areas to maintain our happy marriage.
Anyway, good post. I was cracking up the whole time.
I'm sure we've all asked annoying questions before without meaning to, but still, great post. And as a small variation of the "What are you going to do with that degree?" variety, I have to tell you how much I LOATHE it when people are a) shocked that I'm a lawyer (Is it that surprising? Really? Should I be insulted? Have you ever opened a phone book? TONS OF GOONS ARE LAWYERS. Are you saying I look even dumber than the bald unibrow guys?) and then b) notice I have little kids and ask, "So, you don't want to practice though, right?" What? Nope, just went to law school and am admitted in two states for the hell of it. Come on.
And, I think the last one (have you been sick?) is nice, or at least a kinder variation of it is nice, e.g., "How are you feeling?" Because generally the sickest part of pregnancy is when you want the most sympathy and get the least because no one knows you're knocked up. (I haven't gotten that sick but that's what I hear.) So I have friends who really appreciate people asking how they are feeling instead of automatically jumping to, "OMG! I hope it's a GIRL! Bows are SO FUN!" or "What'll ya theme the nursery??" or "I hope you don't almost die like my cousin!" or whatever.
I have so often been asked what Ben is studying that I've lost count. That doesn't bother me. What cracks me up is that when I tell them international relations and Arabic the inevitable follow-up is "why??" And I give the people what they want, the truth: Indiana Jones. It's the simplest thing to say besides, "because he wants to" or "because he has to study something and those were the classes that were open." But not that he's near graduating, we're constantly getting:
"So where are you going/what are you doing next?"
Please, remind me again that my life is in limbo. Because surely I had forgotten the fact that within 6 months I could be in Texas, Syria, Massachusetts, or Timbuktu. Also, while you're at it, I know you're dying to ask me,
"So what is he planning to do with that?"
I'm repeatedly tempted to respond, "To join Al Quaeda. Why else do you learn Arabic? Duh. Did I mention he minoring in chemical engineering with emphasis on bomb-making?"
P.S. I'm allowing myself to catch on your life via your blog and reward breaks for managing to squeeze out piddly additions to this horrid paper on the pieces-I performed-a-year-ago-and-would-rather-bathe-in-tar-than-rehash-but-I-have-to-anyway. In case you were wondering. I know you were.
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