Ads to complain about before you die.

I get free radio with very few advertisements and whenever the radio plays a song I dislike, I just give it a thumbs down. The music genome project takes care of me and the radio won't play that song anymore. When I really like a song I give it a thumbs up, and it finds more music like that song. Most of you know this marvelous invention is Pandora (but this blog reaches multiple generations, so I have to cover my bases). I shouldn't complain. I really shouldn't. But then I wouldn't have written this complaint and you'd have nothing from me to read today.

Dear Living Social,

Your ad on Pandora is increasingly obnoxious. The one that says something to the effect of: “Check out Portland’s Bucket List—things to do before you die!” in the cheery, creepy voice of an elementary school guidance counselor. First, whose lame-ass idea was it to call trivialities like restaurant coupons and other such daily deals a “Bucket List” hm? The ad is inaccurate and morbid and morbidly inaccurate. I do not need to get fro yo before I die. I do not need to go to the Portland Zoo. I may like to do these things, but it is not a requirement. I feel like the average Pandora listener knows what your product is and does. Calling it something it is SO not is just irritating. May I suggest that you call it “Portland’s best” or “Portland’s best kept secrets” or “Portland’s anything but a bucket list.”

But wait, there’s more!
1. The word ‘bucket’ is unattractive. Don’t use it if you don’t have to.
2. The majority of Pandora listeners are 20 and 30 somethings who are not prepared or excited to be reminded of their mortality 15+ times per day. Turn off.
3. I can’t speak personally for the old folks, but have you ever tried telling someone over 40 that they really need to do x, y or x “before they die? They get a little testy about it.
4. The real list of things you need to do before you die is relatively short, like writing your will, making peace with your enemies, and achieving self-actualization. Unless Living Social has recently began offering these things?
5. The “bucket list” that is accepted by our culture is usually those BIG/sentimental things. Climbing Mount Everest, reconnecting with the-one-that-got-away, teaching your grandchild to fish, yada yada yada.
6. Next on the list of importance that people may appropriately put on their actual bucket list are life achievements. For example, graduating from college, grad school, marriage, babies, vacation in their own personal big-ass cabin, and so on.
7. Under that I would rank career achievements, community involvement, etc.
8. Under that, there’s always people you would like to meet: the President, Chuck Norris, the members of your favorite band.
9. Under that, there’s probably even more stuff, but I’ve already wasted my morning as it is, so…
10. Finally, after all that, I would say we’re beginning to get to the realm of Living Social’s domain. Several orders of magnitude below bucket listdom exists events such as: going to that cool restaurant or attending that cool event. Don’t get me wrong, they’re fun things to do, but they are NOT the components of a bucket list.
11. If you insist upon using hyperbolic advertising, please ensure that its effective. I just doubt, down to the very center of my ad-hating core that this ad has done much for your numbers. You’d be better off promising people that if they use living social they’ll probably be more sexy and increase their chances of getting laid.

I guess that perhaps I wouldn’t be so bothered by the ad if it weren’t for the voice. She manages to make the word “die” into a two-syllable word. “DII-ie.” Or does she say it “Da-ye”? It’s INSANE! Anyway. I may be an anomaly, but you need to change that thing.

Thank you for advertising on Pandora. I clearly appreciate my free radio more than I hate your ad… for now, anyway.

Respectfully,

Maret

P.S. Tell your president that it wouldn’t kill him to hire a female officer. Your “about us” page looks like a middle-aged rugby team.

So that's what I sent. And I'd like to thank Mhana for giving me the idea to post complaints for all to enjoy. I will let you know if they write back.