I've long considered making this a private blog, but today I learned that I have blurkers aplenty. I'm flattered that they bother with me when I only update once a month or so. But I wouldn't mind them de-lurking, so here's your chance. Say hello.
The main reason I thought of making this blog private is because the family rumor mill got around that my mother's family thinks that I'm no longer Mormon. Rather than asking me or getting to know me well enough to understand my unique take on my religion, I was gossiped about. It came back to me through my wonderful sister. So am I a Mormon? Yes, but probably not the same kind of Mormon as you.
A friend and I recently had a conversation wherein we discussed the people we knew who "fell away" (abhor that terminology) from "the church" that had me puzzled. Few, if any, of these individuals left the church because of issues related to keeping the commandments. Their leaving was not about a desire to sin, but because of intellectual, spiritual, and cultural doubts. Doubts I'm so intimately familiar with, I'm barely certain what separates me from them.
We praise investigators of our religion when they doubt their own. We applaud Joesph Smith for his doubts, but as soon as you become a mature Mormon, there is no longer any room for doubt. You've been offered The Truth, and any doubt by an existing Mormon is demonized. Doubters are ostracized. Hide your wife, hide your kids, because the doubter will poison their minds. This is not okay. This is not what Jesus would do with doubters.
I have always doubted certain things. I remember as early elementary school thinking that the story of Jonah was closer to a fairy tale than reality. And in high school, running across passages of scripture that I just knew could not be of God. I tearfully took these concerns to my parents and I was basically shut down. There was no room for doubt. (They read this occasionally, so I don't mean to rag on them. It's just part of our culture to do this). I was told by seminary teachers, Sunday school teachers, and even general authorities that "Either the Church is true, or it is a fraud. There is no middle ground."
This quote came from a prophet. And you know what they say-- Catholics believe the pope is infallible, but none of them believe it. Mormons believe their prophet is fallible, but none of them believe it.
NO WONDER people are leaving in droves. We're pretty much setting it up for them. I guess it depends how narrowly you define the Church, but uhm. . . no. There is a middle ground, and it's right over here. I don't believe many things we do today in the name of the church are "true" or from God. But it's generally good. Members are generally wonderful people who will give you the contents of their food storage and a hug at the drop of a hat. Certain apostles may cranky old men sometimes (most of the time?), but I believe they're doing their best. And when they are inspired, it's awesome.
Yes, I doubt and I reject parts of this religion. I'm here 100% on my own terms--and if I don't feel like participating in something, I won't. I believe in a Mother in Heaven and eternal progression--I can't get those doctrines anywhere else. I believe that we should focus more on Christ and less on ensuring that the shoulders of the young women are covered. I believe that the word of wisdom is in serious need of an update (and that we should enforce the part about not being a glutton with the same zeal as the parts about tobacco). I believe that the church is sexist, but that God (both male and female) is not. I believe in spiritual gifts and in prayer. I believe in personal revelation.
It's so much easier to leave a religion than to stay in one that gives you so much grief because you still believe it's true. I sympathize with those who leave (you almost have to when you begin seeing grey, and yet you're told it's all true or it's a fraud). But I need you. The church needs you.
So cheers to the doubters who manage to stick around. Here's to a lifetime together of being shoved out, shunned and gossiped about. Here's to patiently enduring many more cringeworthy Sunday School comments. Here's to those who survived Prop 8 and the September Six with faith intact. Here's to agitating faithfully. Here's to being open-minded, even to the orthodoxy.
Finally, doubters, share with us--How do you make it work?
16 comments:
Hoorah Motion! You are not alone.
Hi, I am Lauren H's dad. I find her friends fascinating, illuminating and perhaps adventuring in similar climes. I also enjoy getting to know my daughter better by learning about her friends...
Even though you know my answer, because we're married, I thought I'd weigh in for the sake of discussion.
I have a very understanding and supportive wife. That helps. For me, at least, doubting seems to be a necessary step to learning. Though perhaps 'questioning' might be a more widely applicable to my point. I don't believe that questioning should stop at baptism. I believe we should trust our consciences (Holy Ghost? Light of Christ?) and that manifests differently for different people. When I find something that doesn't add up, I dive into to try to find what's right and how and why. I had a conversation recently with a good friend who knows himself well enough to know that for him, it's best to hold on to the things he knows are right, and not fuss over the things he doesn't understand or would be tempted to doubt. When in doubt, he toes the line. A very different approach to mine, but he's following his conscience and when it comes to being Christlike and charitable, he's in the 98th percentile, no question.
So, I make it work by doing it my way and letting others do it theirs (as long as it doesn't include being a total jerk).
I've never understood why in a Church that began with and has had most of its major directions come from questions, there should develop people who want no questions, only answers. Sunday School should be teaching that answers questions, not re-hashes things everyone already knows. If we don't ask, we don't learn, then we run the risk of becoming those people who we mock for saying they already have enough answers, thank-you-very-much.
It is far better to say "I don't know" than to say "You should not ask such things"
I've commented before so you probably know at least one cousin reads this (and hopefully you're okay with that).
As for your post, all I can say is to each their own. Hopefully we can all be better at not condemning people who don't fit the cookie cutter lds way of thinking. Questioning just to be different is obnoxious, but questioning out of a genuine desire to understand/learn is healthy.
I am a bit of a feminist (I hate that word though). I do my own eye rolling at church sometimes, but even with my occasional anomalous thinking (coupled with always thinking I'm right), it's comforting to know that the Church's teachings are always constant even when my own thought process evolves.
I liked Logan's comments. Sounds like you have a patient, understanding spouse and that is awesome.
I'm assuming you saw my recent comment on Mhanas blog on how I'm making it through my questions about the church. I'm sorry to hear that your family has been making things a bit difficult for you. Perhaps privacy would be a good idea, but I would sure love to keep following you. There is plenty of room for questioners in my type of Mormonism.
First off, I love you and I miss you. But you already know that.
Second off, I think there are far fewer people who have no questions or doubts at any time than people might think. For me, when I run across something that I can't make sense of through further study, what helps me is to remember "Be still, and know that I am God." I may not understand, but I know that God is God and that He understands the whys and wherefores and whatnots. And when it's time for me to know everything, I will. So I go with what I do know and try not to focus on what I don't know or what I don't need to know. I guess I feel that if it were really essential for me to know, I would know, so if I don't know after pondering it out, it means it's not essential right now. So I can let it go for now.
(And if you do decide to go private, please send me an invite. I always read, even if I'm really bad about commenting.)
Thanks to all who have commented, yes even you Brittany :)
I think it can't be for us to judge who is questioning to be obnoxious and who is really concerned about an issue.
And I have to disagree about the church's teachings remaining constant. Perhaps that close to true when we look historically from the beginning of correlation until now. But one of the reasons correlation happened is because the church's teachings were not constant.
And it's not just policies that change (though mercifully they have changed to allow blacks the priesthood and end polygamy). But also the teachings. The church's teachings on everything from the nature of God to the purpose of the temple ceremonies has changed over time--not by miscellaneous members, but by the prophets and the 12. I spent much of my searching trying to figure out what has NOT changed, and cling to that as truth. And I think it's basically limited to Christ's teachings.
I'm not saying that God has changed, but rather that his spokespeople have, more than once or twice in our short history, sharply contradicted one another such that one of them has to be wrong.
It's not even much comfort to just follow what the church is teaching right now, as some of the deepest, most confusing doctrinal tidbits remain a part of our cultural memory from pre-corelation times.
I say this only because I want people to realize it's not that simple. And like Logan mentioned, for some people, exploring the tension in doctrinal inconsistencies will just make them unhappy. For others, like myself, it's better to delve into it, and come up with my own conclusions.
Another blurk-er here (by way of Mhana ages ago)...
Im someone who recent has started coming to terms with my feelings about the church. My husband and I claim to be unorthodox Mormons because like many, we've found a lot of paradoxes and hypocrisy within our religion/culture.
I'm choosing to raise my children LDS, but I don't believe knees and shoulders are evil and my husband and I refuse to accept the idea od celestial polygamy. We go to church most of the time, but aren't afraid to have a family day instead. There are many things I disagree with and am hurt by, but after weighing all of the pros and cons of Mormonism I believe that my life is better in the church than out. I believe that the root of the gospel makes me a better person. I to us on what I believe to be the "higher" commandments - loving all men vs snti-gay rhetoric. It's what works for us.
In the past year I've come to slowly embrace these feelings rather than hide from them. The term "feminist" is no longer a dirty word to me and I'm jumping into the pool. It's strange and new, but completely exhilarating.
So that's where this reader stands. I promise to comment now that I'm not embarrassed by my beliefs (stupid, I know). You rock!
Ps - you should get rid of the text verification. It's one of those small roadblocks to commenting.
Hello - bluker here. I stumbled across your blog a couple years ago through a mutual friend and have always enjoyed reading. I feel the same way you do. I've been a good mormon all my life and I don't intend the stop going to church or following its teachings. However, I think that questioning is healthy and necessary to truly have a testimony. There are so many things about the church that I wish more people would challenge more. As I get older and learn more, I find there are many, many things that really bother me. There are a lot of things I don't understand, but overall, I feel like the church makes me a better person and usually makes me happy, so I will continue to attend. I also realize that the prophets are human and they make mistakes. I plan on teaching my children more of the reality of the church's teachings, rather than the perfect picture that is usually painted.
Anyway, thanks for blogging - I've always enjoyed reading and I hope you continue without going private.
Hey! It's Kara Chatterton and I read (and love) your blog. And this is my first comment...but now you know the identity of one more reader!!
I've got to echo elliespen. Including I love & miss you. A lot. But I deal with so much anxiety over everything in my life, that I frequently have to focus on what I KNOW has to be true and whether or not I would really rather live without that (which I sort of tried and it didn't work out well). But there is still so much that doesn't make sense. And sometimes the people and the culture just makes me wanna *makes throat squeezing motions with hands*.
I guess I make it work by doing my damnedest to be loving and accepting, focusing on what I know is true (like the fact that I WILL see me sister again), and keeping a list of everything that doesn't make the slightest bit of sense to me (so I can go prepared into the next life and get my questions answered). Which, out of sheer curiosity, to what do you refer when you say that the church's teachings on the nature of God and the purpose of the temple ceremonies has changed over time? I don't doubt it, but I thought that at least the latter had been fairly consistent. I'm curious what I missed.
And see, I read your posts. It just happens only slightly more often than I blog myself.
Hand raised, "blurker, here!"
I don't even know what circuitous route brought me to lurk, but your blog speaks to me, my struggles. I hope you'll let me linger if you go private!
Well, yes I DO lurk on your blog. But you once followed my husband into disneyland, so we're even? Yes, doubter over here. I deal with it by angstily reading fmh and being the worst primary teacher ever. So really well.
Seriously though, I grew up in the home of progressive mormons. We had a subscription to sunstone, and discussed heavenly mother, and how women used to have the priesthood. I thought that surely my informed and hard won testimony would win the test of time. And in the end I think it will...I have up swings and down swings, and to be honest I'm in a down swing right now...but I am a mormon. It is so much a part of who I am and how I view the world...I don't want to be anywhere else.
I am an occasional blurker. I blurk more than I blog. Thanks for being an authentic voice, and thanks for blogging. :)
I absolutely believe there is a middle way to be had for those who want it. I believe it is harder than an all-in or all-out approach, but I don't believe that being harder makes the middle way inherently better. There are many religions whose adherents are free to choose their own level of activity and commitment without the amount of stigma heaped upon unorthodox Mormons. While there are doctrinal supports for requiring some level of behavioral conformity, it's the necrotic elements of the culture that require emotional and mental uniformity.
As for me, I have fairly recently opted out. I found that church hurt my heart more often than not, and I now no longer consider myself Mormon. I see the good, and I'm grateful for the influence of the church in my formative years, but there are core doctrines and practices that are acutely painful to me - Not the least of these is the shame involved in open questioning and the lack of venue for actual discussion of messy non-correlated teachings and ideas. Kudos to you for taking up the topic.
This is my favorite line:
"Catholics believe the pope is infallible, but none of them believe it. Mormons believe their prophet is fallible, but none of them believe it."
I make it work by staying in the closet (with my doubting and rejecting of mormon doctrine and culture) with my ward and out of the closet with very supportive husband, family members, and a very few friends. Every Sunday is a struggle to attend, but I go because I hope that my Gospel Doctrine class might make being a mormon easier for someone else.
I guess I'm a blurker. Referred by a friend (elliespen). I wrote about this on my blog, too. But not so bravely.
www.sayitwithasmirk.blogspot.com
P.S. I agree. The Church's teachings do not stay constant. The fact that leaders and members insist it does is part of the problem.
P.P.S. Thank you for maintaining that it isn't that simple. Like pregnant women, people who think belief in the church is simple are smug. ;)
Are you familiar with mormonstories.org and facebook page?
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